manic pixie nightmare world

there’s something haunted in this house they built
I think the water is poison
it’s all creeping fascism
and “I got mine so fuck you”
it’s getting to me

I wanna shout my name from the rooftops
and hide under my bed
it’s a mess

dear friend I hope you moved somewhere nice
fed my letters to a shredder and the chocolate to your mice
but don’t call ‘till I’ve really earned your time
by dreaming us a future where we’d choose to survive
first we’ve got some corners to turn
‘cause today I’m feeling like a waste of goodbyes

there’s fifteen graveyards beneath our beds
I swear I hear the ghosts whisper
it’s all “the world’s on fire”
“everything’s fucked”
gee, thank you ghost
I’ll spare a thought

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I wanna shout my name from the rooftops
and hide under my bed
(lonely lights shine faraway)
I wanna hurl my body in the ocean
(an everlasting guide in endless nights)
without getting my feet wet
it’s a mess

dear friend I hope you moved somewhere nice
fed my letters to a shredder and the chocolate to your mice
but don’t call ‘till I’ve really earned your time
by dreaming us a future where we’d choose to survive
first we’ve got some corners to turn
‘cause today I’m feeling like a waste of goodbyes
first we’ve got some corners to turn
‘cause today I’m feeling like a waste of goodbyes

toy cars are awesome

here we go again, digging into the dark
another excavation of the pit in your gut
archaeology, put the toothbrush on your heart
this expedition was doomed from the start

good job out there, what a way to waste a night
testing the best techniques to aikido your mind
use its own momentum to drop her on her butt
does it make you wonder why she always gets back up?

patterns play in the dark
patterns stay out of sight
patterns lie
are they fortunes in disguise?
hammers play in your heart
planets stay in the sky
all around are mysterious designs

here we go again, you’re a magnet for regret
turn all the silver bullets back into lead
happy memories will only make a mess
but toy cars are awesome — and don’t you forget

patterns play in the dark
patterns stay out of sight
patterns lie
are they fortunes in disguise?
hammers play in your heart
planets stay in the sky
all around are mysterious designs

caterpillar daughter

let's go to sleep for a thousand years
'till there's nobody here
cryo-something techno stuff
I'll figure it out for us

who'd deny you're pure of heart
a diary soaked in blood
bad poetry spills from every page
yada yada, tears in rain

caterpillar daughter
dream a model life
moth looks for water
like man, dog, wife, garden
knight in broken armor
dream a perfect lie
fuck up, play the martyr
goodnight sometimes old stuff dies

revive the nice guy valentine
spilling guts, zombified
drags me down into the nightmare
drags me down again

who'd deny you're pure of heart
simple poisons and honest rot
wish for a damsel in distress
just so you can prove you're a man

caterpillar daughter
dream a model life
moth looks for water
like man, dog, wife, garden
knight in broken armor
dream a perfect lie
fuck up, play the martyr
goodnight sometimes old stuff dies

you were just a sad kid
sown from velveteen
thought you needed someone
just to be complete
and yeah I regret it
I'd take back everything
maybe someday I can say I'm proud you tried
but not now

caterpillar daughter
dream a model life
moth looks for water
like man, dog, wife, garden
knight in broken armor
dream a perfect lie
fuck up, play the martyr
goodnight sometimes old stuff dies

J. Michael Bailey

I’m so tired of life-defining questions
every day is a minefield and I have a headache
I’m so enlightened, everything’s fucked
the world’s on fire let’s all spare a thought

I want a strong, tall girlfriend and a big fucking car
and we’ll go on a trip to a national park
I’ll wear something hot you should totally shame me
for staring at us like J. Michael Bailey

I’m the juice inside getting sick of the bottle
if you open the cap I’ll pin the throttle
some species survive by getting studied by others
some people are honest — I don’t know why they bother

I’m a rational self-interested actor in the market
but compassionately buy from local businesses like Target
my mom jeans go to parties while I tumble in the dryer
I listen to my heartbeat ‘till the medicine’s arrival

no ma’am I’m not taking this lightly
I bought a surgical device for my psyche
nuh-uh, that’s a stupid game I don’t wanna play it
who sent you? was it J. Michael Bailey?

I got a normal little life yeah it’s honestly a peach
I wear the mascara get harassed by teens
am I A, B, C or D? the answer: Mercedes
my neighbour is a chaser like J. Michael Bailey

I got a normal little life yeah it’s honestly a peach
I wear the mascara get harassed by teens
am I A, B, C or D? the answer: Mercedes
my neighbour is a chaser like J. Michael Bailey
allegedly

dream song

I dream I am a wave
I swallow cars
cry libraries and cinemas
and kiss a castle's tip

ships are my crown
I show them stars and cathedrals
and when they wave
I say "it's no problem"

I dream I am a letter
opened carefully
as eyes caress my ink I relax

in the sun I fade
in the dark I rot
but no matter my misspellings
I'm cherished
for just a second

I dream I am a white sheet
looking for a ghost
somebody to don me
and a house to haunt

reproducing reality

can't quit for no reason
it's not pretty
a bad narrative

try to fill the space between nights
going through motions from stories of lives
romanticize evening snow
and military recruitment videos
some things never change
reproducing reality

one-hundred famous views
impossible pictures to live up to
romanticize cheap DVDs
and alcoholic slot-machine scenes
something better change
reproducing reality

some kind of purpose, some sense to it all
a meaningful pattern in the dirt on the wall
an antagonist to fall in love with
and overcome climatic hardship
nothing's ever changed
reproducing reality

what are the miracles that make clocks tick?
'cause every new breath is a surprise when it hits
romanticize the nihilist's banner
the comfort of knowing nothing matters

but you can't quit for no reason
(useful fictions say history is fixed)
it's not pretty, the audience won't buy it
(we're living in the Matrix or a Petri dish)
remember a hundred famous views?
(but I remember those famous views)
beauty you'll never live up to
(the beauty you'll never live up to)

know your purpose, know your place
unreadable footnote on a discarded page
romanticize farewell letters
the comfort of knowing it never gets better

it's easy to believe
but mostly just convenient

fungal paradise

smoke signals at the speed of light
funny screencaps and a Mark Fisher line
platform dwellers with swamp stylings
self-diagnosed useless-itis
get rich quick, go broke faster
no religion like that secular bible

a warm bedroom
your fungal paradise
it's just what you like
darkness blooms
apocalypse romanticized
hurry up the end times

you're an ideology g-force machine
i think i might throw up, can't keep up with the speed
too frail for outside, revolution online
fall for a petty thief in a Robin Hood disguise

this world wild west is a lawless home
the biggest skeptics are the most gullible
and when they got to you, i ran away
just to live to hide another day

a warm bedroom
your fungal paradise
it's just what you like
darkness blooms
apocalypse romanticized
hurry up the end times

we talk and talk
until my ears bleed
and I'm too scared to sleep
barren sky and two sunflowers in an endless night

i am the traitor
who won't turn it all to ash
a self-pitying coward
who never even said farewell

an adventure

ships float by
the little portcullis
of your tiny palace

but it's cold outside
watch the boats ride the waves
aren't they selfish?

you've got all you need there
(be forgotten)
overgrown moat 'round the fortified keep
(and forgiven)
no pomp, no fanfare
(without being missed)
I get it, it's idyllic
(it’s idyllic)

commonfolk at the gate
they brandish wine and board games
you can’t let them in
they burn princesses at the stake
(and know-it-alls too)

yes, you'll be famous
(be remembered)
a true tortured genius
(and beloved)
yes, history vindicates!
(is that being you?)
you're not fooling anyone
(or just anyone?)

it's still cold outside
and your nightlight’s out of oil
it's hard not to take pity
cause aren't you just a boy?

i wanna grab you by your neck
and tell you to fend for yourself
but i'll carry you on my shoulders
an adventure
don't be scared

Frozen 2

it's time to get up out of bed
but the blankets don't want me to leave yet
first let me check my whatsapp
yeah healthcare left me on read

I wake up then I eat then I sleep
to be honest I lost track of what happens in between
you tell them there is something that you need
then they put you on a waiting list for three years
guess I'll just go fuck myself in the in between
guess I'll be my worst self in the in between

I wanna say when I look from the sky to my feet
that I get why I'm here

but that's a lie

black Friday I might buy a real boy
free shipping, here tomorrow
I hope he comes in a big, big box
so I can jump in and return myself to amazon
I really wanna have a nice, clean box

I wanna say when I look at the stars in the dark
that I get how to play my part

but I don't
so here's to being hopeless
can't talk, I'm busy watching Frozen
yeah I tried to run
my head couldn't keep up
so I'm stuck in slow motion

here's to being hopeless
I'm sorry miss, youtube ate my homework
yeah I tried to dance
worst day of my life
so I'm still in slow motion

here's to being hopeless
I'm just gonna rewatch Frozen 2
cup of cocoa in my bed, make it cozy
can't you see I'm busy being lonely?

Monster

the other day at work
a young boy wouldn't leave me alone
he told me I would get hurt
in the neighborhood that he's from

the way people look at me
I can practically hear their thoughts
everyone wants to be butterfly
it seems I degenerated into a bug

I'm a monster
I'm a freak
and trying to explain it is just boring me to tears
I'm different
I'm weird
I'm so glad it entertains you that I'm special and unique

there's a new book out about us
the new york times thinks it's pretty good
it says we're delusional fetishists
and our rights are bought with a jewish man's checkbook

I can't believe this is happening
and this is 21st century life
well if I have to be the bad girl
I better make it worth your while
I'll be so fucking strange
next time you won't even have to lie
that's right, I'll wear my beasthood with pride

I'm a monster
I'm a freak
I turned your son into my daughter and I'm in your wife's best dreams
I'm a monster
I'm a freak
my favorite kind of perfume is pathetic cishet tears
I'm a monster
a little freak
what? sorry I can't hear you through these headphones with cat ears
I'm a monster
that's what I'll always be
'cause if I tried to be normal I still wouldn't be free
I'm a monster
ooooh, I'm so weird
and that your small mind can't handle it says nothing about me
yeah that your small mind can't handle it says nothing about me

Moving Tomorrow

I treat this house
like I'm moving tomorrow
stuck in a cheap motel
paid in cash
deep voice, fake moustache
'till captital "T" They get of my back
took whichever key was left

I treat this body
like she's leaving tomorrow
an unwanted pet
I'd never hurt her but wouldn't miss her
if nature comes before I expect

every word I write
begs me to delete it
but do I need an end for new beginnings

I Won't Bite

I'd given up on sleeping
tell me, did you read my mind?
your shape in the window is so welcome
in this cold dark night

I won't bite
there's no need to be so scared
I know what it's like to be wanted by no one else

I want you to hurt me
to drown out my thoughts through my skin
and shut me down

come on, let the frostbite burn me
I'll be a perfect little mannequin
I'll make you proud

porcelain hands
gentle snowflakes on my shoulders
you grab my hair
and give your teeth just a bit more room
make it flow
I feel the pain soar through my body
take it all
I've been saving it just for you

the endless night has started
can I share my cold hands with you?

Diesel

(marco)

when I think about high school
I wanna disappear
I hope an alien finds me
and I'm wiped from your memories
by the CIA

right now I wanna pour diesel down my throat
spark a lighter in my veins
burn the shame away
yeah when I look back to five years ago
I can only look forward to five more

it's true, sometimes I'm better
than I thought I'd ever be
and I can't wait to stop hiding
but the mirror always breaks my peace
I feel so fake, fake, fake

right now I wanna pour diesel down my throat
spark a lighter in my veins
burn the shame away
don't, please don't ask me for my name
no matter what I say I'm lying either way

(polo)

Submarine Mermaid Song

sometimes I find myself sinking
into a wikipedia loop
I click on each and every link
'till they all turn dark blue
I just read and read
about cool submarines
weird creatures from the deepest seas
google them 'till I fall asleep

what's so great about the surface anyway?
wake up, stare at a laptop everyday
please can you give my lazy ass a break?
the outside world is more than I can take

so can I hitch a ride
aboard your submarine?
I'm not exactly qualified
but I'll keep the dishes clean

every foot we go deeper
the anxiety rises instead
the whole vessel is creaking
we don't have much time left

I escape
slip away
sink or swim
now's the time
twilight zone
a deadly dive?
spoiler warning:
no, I survived

I'm sure I can't breathe underwater but I tried
suddenly deep in the ocean there's blue sky

I came to, two blue eyes peering into mine
no legs, but a scaled tail on her behind
my stupid mouth said "girl, I love your style"
she burst out laughing at my super awkward line

and in our oxygen bubble
watching the sun sink into the water
I couldn't help think that if I could choose
maybe I'd wanna be a mermaid too

she brought me back to the shore
we said our goodbyes, then she dove away
that's when I realized my mistake
I screamed into the waves "don't make me stay up here"

my voice is weak
drowned by the sea
now I'm all alone on the beach
a kindly stranger asks what's the matter
and I stammer through my tears

"I'm sure I could breathe underwater if I tried
don't you know deep in the ocean there's blue sky?
little mermaid, I'll wait for you all my life
only deep in the ocean there's blue sky"

Personal Computer

all my life spent in the dark
and now there's light
i don't see shit

can you feel that the future's bright?
cause i sure can't
it makes me sick

i'd be lying if i said that i feel great or even fine
but today i found a cool thing that i'll hate over time
it's all a m a b c d give me e in my mind
if my personalized ads think i'm pregnant that's a sign

so let's go adventure calls
the people in my pocket know the way
a secret to the world
but my personal computer knows my name

paint a face on top of my face
oh that's just sweet
some acne as a treat

can you say there's no other way
than what you feel?
yeah i can, actually

wishful thinking if i said there are no doubts in my mind
today the mirror told me my stories are all lies
the asmr roleplays give me comfort at night
if some dude tells me he loves me and i like it that's a sign
could go back to being an insecure asshole all the time
sometimes i can be happy, that's gotta be a sign

so let's go adventure calls
the people in my pocket know the way
a secret to the world
but my personal computer knows my name

Icarus_irl

So, here I am
Watching Contrapoints videos 'till midnight
And thinking back
To when it all still seemed to be going my way

I saw me
High up above, sailing the clouds
I lifted off
Wind in my feathers, forgetting my doubts

But my wings started melting mid-flight
And shame is the flip side of pride

So, here I am
Feeling all my failings at midnight
And thinking ahead
To the painful landing that's coming my way

I should have kept
My feet on the ground, my head in the sand
A flightless bird
Watching her friends dance through the air.

But my wings started melting mid-flight
And shame is the flip side of pride